What I Say Versus What I Actually Mean

1. "Well didn't we have a lovely time?" It was a bit boring to be honest, but nobody vomitted, wet themselves or shit themselves. Nobody started a punch up, flashed their arse or smacked me in the face.  Nobody ignored me counting to five and therefore laughed in the face of my behaviour system, nobody fell over and hurt themselves and we all got back home in one piece.  This is what qualifies for a lovely time these days my love.

2.  "What a good girl/boy you're being!" Your sibling is being an absolute toe-rag so to try and save my sanity, I'm focusing on the fact that you are not throwing an epic tantrum/lobbing food across the kitchen/refusing to do anything I say.  I'm also vaguely hoping that the toe-rag will hear the praise and stop doing whatever they're doing in a bid to also get praise.  I know it's unlikely though and in all probability what will happen is that you, the one behaving, will decide my praise is worth nothing in the face of gaining some approval from the toe-rag, so despite my praise, you will jump ship and also start being naughty.  Oh happy days.

3.  "We'll talk about it later." I cannot listen to you moan about this anymore.  I just can't.  I'm hoping that you'll forget and we'll never speak of this again.

4.  "If you put your shoes on/coat on/get in the car seat, you can have some Haribo." I'm desperate kiddo.  It's 7 o'clock in the morning and I'm offering you bucket loads of sugar, even though I know this is terrible parenting, so please, for the love of God,  do what I'm asking you to do, because if you don't I'm either going to weep or shout, and I know I do both of those things fairly often, but I don't like doing them.  Please, please put the god damn shoes on.  No? You hate me don't you? You actually hate me.  

5. "I love you baby." I love you so much there are not enough words in the world to describe it.  I love your funny face and your belly laugh and your jokes and your heart and your soul and your squidgy cuddles and your goofy smiles and every last thing about you.  I love you all the time, every day, for the rest of time itself. And beyond.  And so help me God, if anyone ever, ever hurts you, I will hunt them down and kill them.  Hunt them down and kill them.  Mama's got your back baby.