I took the kids swimming today. Any parent who takes their kids swimming
deserves a medal in my eyes. It is fucking
hardcore. From getting them changed, to
ensuring they don’t drown, from trying to get them to follow the rules (“Yes, I
know you think it’s funny to splash mummy, but the rules say you mustn’t.”) to
dragging them out of the lockers at the end (is it just mine that climb into
the lockers? Please tell me it’s not), it is exhausting. When I got back home, it made me think about all
the skills you need to be a toddler parent.
Obviously you need to be loving and patient* and kind. But that’s kind of a given. Here are the five skills I think parents of
toddlers should be armed with.
1. Resilience. The kids told me they wanted to swim. I didn’t want to swim. I hate swimming, especially with them, when I
don’t actually get to swim, I just lie in 1 and ½ foot of water, freezing my
tits off, worrying about my bikini line.
They wanted to do it. When it came to leaving the house though, you
would have thought that they’d both been recently lobotomised. Zach sat with some tiny screws he’d found, refusing
to put his pants on (what the actual fuck am I going to do when they have to go
to school and wear underwear and trousers all day long?) and Daisy sat in her
dolly’s car-seat, covering herself in blankets.
Resilience (& counting to five, seven million times) is what got us
out of the house.
2. Fast
reactions. I’m a worrier. I worry about everything. Do you know when I worry the most? In the
great big pool of water where they might drown and die. Particularly because they are wildly – WILDLY
– over confident. If I met water for the
first time, I might be slightly hesitant.
I might think ‘What is this strange stuff?’ D&Z, not so much. They just throw themselves into the pool,
with no fear. Despite the fact they can’t
swim. They also like jumping, but they
don’t understand the need to jump FORWARD.
FORWARD from the side. They
prefer to jump slightly hesitantly and slightly backwards. The reason they’re still alive and well? Fast
reactions.
3. A loud voice. I
once read that you have to make eye contact with a toddler to get them to
really hear what you’re saying.
Bull. Shit. If I don’t look at either of my children, and
I say ‘Haribo’, they’ll respond. For
sure. What you need, more than eye contact
is a loud voice. A loud voice that says ‘ZACHARY!
DO NOT UNLOCK THE CHANGING ROOM DOOR.
MUMMY WILL BE VERY CROSS IF YOU DO BECAUSE MUMMY IS NAKED. MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOOR.’
4. Negotiation
skills. We haven’t been going swimming
for long but every time we’ve been, Zachary has managed to find a cubicle and
lock himself in it. If you’re going to
parent a toddler, then you need to be able to bring out your special hostage negotiator
toddler voice, for these exact occasions: “Zachary baby, can you just turn the
lock, that’s right, just turn it back, the opposite way to the way you did it
the first time. What a really good
boy. Well done.” NEVER DO THAT
AGAIN. (Don’t shout until he’s out.)
5. A thick skin.
Going swimming necessitates getting naked. In front of two year olds. Sheesh.
Don’t do it, until you’re ready to hear: “Mummy, your bottom is
DISGUSTING.”
*I am not patient. I
am so not patient. I tell them I’m
counting to five, get to three and lose it.
Sometimes. Sometimes, I make it
to five.
No comments:
Post a Comment