My Village

The number one thing that people say to me when they find out I’m a lone wolf mama to twins is “Oh my goodness! I don’t know how you do it!” It’s always people with kids who say it – those who know how hard it is, even with a partner around. Whenever they say it, I make some crap joke about “Oh I drink a lot!” (and then worry that they think I’m an alcoholic) or “Oh I cry a lot!” (and then worry that they think I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown). So here’s what I really want to say when people say to me “I don’t know how you do it!”

I do it because I chose to. I knew I was preggers with twins and I knew their dad wanted to do his own thing and I knew I’d be raising twins by myself.  My cousin and sister had twins, so as much as you can, I went into this eyes wide open.  Admittedly they’ve been opened a touch more since having the little gems*, but I had a pretty good idea of what I was letting myself in for…

So what was I letting myself in for? Endless exhaustion, bleeding money every step I take and – recently - developing negotiation skills that should see me in the diplomatic corps.  But also (and most importantly) a whole lot of fun.  Kids are fun.  They’re shitting annoying a lot of the time (when they insist they’re wearing their Batman pyjamas to the childminder’s and you only have 5 minutes in which to convince them otherwise, when they fight over everything even though there is two of everything and when they insist on BELLOWING EVERY SINGLE WORD AT YOU, EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE SAT RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!) but they’re also fun.  On the drive home from the childminder’s today I had the windows wide open.  As we drove along the river front, the wind whipped through the car and every time a strong gust blew through, I whooped, then they whooped, then we all pissed ourselves laughing.  They’re good for the soul and while they may be annoying at times (so many times), they also make me laugh, they make me do silly things and they make me happy.  So part of how I do it is them.  They’re awesome.

There’s a whole host of other people though, who are also awesome, who are also how I do it.  So, so many people.  My mum, who looks after them one day a week – anyone who can spend a day with my delinquent duo and stay sane deserves a medal.  Not a metaphorical one, an actual one. I’m expecting to see Mum on the Queen’s Honours List any day now.  My brother and my sister are always there if I need them.  Always.  They are a most magnificent back up team and I couldn’t be without them.  Their partners too, are part of the back up team and are so kind to me and my kids.  Their kids - my brilliant nieces and nephew – help as well, not least because they are being primed to babysit in a few years.  My friends who hang out with us – at the park, at each other’s houses, with coffee, with wine, with kindness, with love, with support – are another integral part of the team. The ones I see lots and the ones I only see a couple of times a year. The ones I’ve only just met and the ones I’ve known forever.  We - me and Daisy and Zachary - are so lucky.  We have a whole pack of people who have made this journey a whole lot easier than I thought it would be.  I might be a lone wolf, but I am never lonely.

I do it too because I’m really lucky with my job.  They let me work part time AND flexible hours (for a teacher, that is almost unheard of.  Two days a week I start a whole hour later than school actually starts, and finish a whole hour earlier than school finishes).  I’ve worked under three Heads of Department since having the twins, and every one of them has been kind, helpful and supportive.  My school as an employer has been great too – every year I’ve gone waaaaay over my allowed dependency (obvs – I’m allowed 3 days a year!! Lone Wolf mama + prem twins = a whole load of dependency).  I have never once been docked any wages, or made to feel bad, or that my job is at risk if I have to have another day off to take them to the doctors.   I am aware that this should be the norm and, probably, I shouldn’t feel grateful for being allowed to balance working and making sure my kids are healthy, but grateful I am.  I know many parents who do not have the same treatment that I have had.  While we’re on the subject of work, I can also do it because, when I’m at work, my colleagues are so kind to me.  I work in the loveliest department where everyone is funny, kind and generous.  They really are the dream team.  These things make a big difference.

So, in answer to “I don’t know how you do it!”, the one big thing that underpins me being able to do it, me being able to manage two children all by myself is, actually, that I’m not by myself.  I don’t have a partner and they don’t have a dad, but we have bucketfuls of love – more love than I ever knew was possible, from more people than I ever expected.  There’s a well-worn saying that goes ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ I do it because I have a village. I do it because I have my village and man, it’s an awesome village.  Thank you, my fellow villagers, I – we - couldn’t do it without you.

*/fuckers.  Delete as appropriate